[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
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I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
When it’s ok to bother me before my morning coffee:
1- I’m on fire
2- You’re on fire
3- The coffee maker is on fire
4- Something had frickin’ well better be on fire
scrabbled eggs
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.