There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
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An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
Kids love retelling stories about times they threw up
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle