I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
You Might Also Like
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
Does beer think about me too?
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My teenage children choosing violence
heyyyy gurl, let’s put red dye in the jacuzzi and pretend we’re getting savagely devoured by piranhas (for romance)
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Apparently my hub is a 92 yr old trapped in a younger body. He just referred to you guys as my Pinstagram friends.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER