band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
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Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.