This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
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Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Now this is how you LinkedIn
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?