If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
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A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
A large account followed me to thank me for a trophy through DM, then immediately unfollowed me. It must be exhausting to be Twitter elite.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
I blocked some guys and another guy said good job and I blocked him too.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”