I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
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Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
who called it hell and not heaven’t
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all