I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
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LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Still cracks me up
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine