This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
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As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
If I ever trip slightly while walking, I make sure to look back and down at the ground so that the people around me know that I’m normally great at walking, but in this particular instance there was something wrong with the ground.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
Phonetics
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible