Tik Toks be like here’s a money hack:
Commit Fraud
You Might Also Like
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table
Fries, not lies.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
The struggle is real
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”