I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
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Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢