You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
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Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating
Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.