9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
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Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
incredible text to wake up to
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
I tried home schooling for years, but my house still can’t read.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑