[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
You Might Also Like
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
A wife is like a hand grenade.
Remove the ring, and your house is gone.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.