kids are oblivious to everything but let ‘em find a takeout bag in the trash: WHEN DID YOU GO TO MCDONALDS??????????
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*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
BETRAYAL
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
I ate everything, including the H.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Do you think police always say “Do you know why I pulled you over?” on the off chance that you’ll admit to some high crime?
“Shit… Was it the treason?”