Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
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Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Me: We’re swimming in debt
Wife: It’s fine
Me: The kids are going nuts
Wife: They’re fine
Me: You haven’t had a break in months
Wife: I’m fine
Me: There’s a possibility that word does not mean what you think it means
Wife: I’M FINE
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Just ruined $387 worth of blinds in the house but that fly is dead.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
me: haha no I’m not ready to have kids yet
landlord: no not parent, “pay rent.”
me: don’t get me started. i’m not compensated well at work whatsoever.
landlord: NO NOT PAY RANT!
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”