Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
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Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
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Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment