*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
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*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
My son calls them “please cars” because any time I speed past a cop he hears me mutter “please don’t pull me over!”