advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
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I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I bought a t-shirt for a good cause.
It’s ’cause I wanted the t-shirt.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.