Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
You Might Also Like
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Laundry Day
Me: Tell me about this lipstick on your shirt.
Him: Babe, I can explain!
Me: Don’t care. Just ask her the brand and shade name.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*