Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
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STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
She’s only nine, but my daughter sings Adele like she’s already been through countless devastating break-ups
I’m not high maintenance at all. All I want from a partner is the understanding that I need to feel worshipped whilst also being mostly left alone.
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Maybe I’ll make you laugh, maybe I’ll sacrifice you to the ancient gods. You don’t know.
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino