local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
You Might Also Like
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.