Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
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Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact