my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
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My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
kids play hide and seek like
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…