Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
wut hotdog?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS