ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
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Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
Wordle 241 1/6
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Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird