I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
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my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
If “six degrees” is true, somebody tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell somebody to tell Scarlett Johansson I said “Hi.”
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.