Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
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Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My daughter knows what a meth lab is thanks to an episode of The Simpsons.
At least that’s what I had to tell child services just now.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
[first time at church]
me: *flipping through bible* do you guys do soups
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.