When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
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I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Give me a minute, I’m still fighting the urge to bless a stranger who sneezed
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?