Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
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Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”