“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
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I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
I wish there were glasses to protect me from all your blurry eclipse pics.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over