Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
“I am Daenerys Targaryen. The Unburnt. Mother of Dragons. Breaker of chains. Que-”
Job interviewer: Three references is fine.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.