“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me