if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
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In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Yep.
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
congratulations to them
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
Maybe your dog was descended from wolves; mine wants a mint on his pillow and concierge service.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?