Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
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I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
Assorted bandaid box-
3 in a size you need
12 you can make work
35 round to weigh box down
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
an airline just for babies.
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
My husband likes to tell me he doesn’t want to have sex by waiting for me to bring up the last bag of groceries before asking if I need help
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.