Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
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[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
My stylist cut my bangs too short so now I look like a dreadfully concerned 7 year old.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!