HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
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It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
[in the car with the wife]
*I take both hands off the wheel*
Wife: Thank you, that was making it very hard for me to drive
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
🤣🤣💀
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
Denise please return my vape pen
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
I like to think of myself as a guy who doesn’t scare too easily but I just beat the shit out of a motion activated air freshener.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women