Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
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I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Meow
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.