I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
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30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
War & Peace
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.