Don’t tell me what to do
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Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
I am also baked goods
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Lol
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?