My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.