“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
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IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.