Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
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Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]