Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.