“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
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*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
Unexpected Judgment
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics