According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
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A pizza bagel is two foods that were just fine on their own but got sat on in a lunch bag.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
Come back after dark. Bring your friends
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
My 9yo just made a poster for his new math tutoring service, which he claims is “free,” “easy,” and “not under investigation by the state.”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.