No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
The infuriating thing about language is that if you describe this as a “fun little red rubber ball” you’re fine but if you call it a “rubber fun red little ball” you sound like you had a stroke, even though there is no official rule about order of adjectives.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
[Texts to 14]
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OMG DAD WAT?
[Text]
Hi
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.