[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
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Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
I think we should hear other voices.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.