New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
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Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. Thatâs like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend đ
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
I donât know why people say Twitter isnât a dating app. Iâve encountered plenty of available married men here.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That đ
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
đââŹđđ¤
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If theyâre right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, Iâm cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I donât have to fix up this freaking house any more
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Much to my 12yo son’s horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base’s âThe Signâ at full volume in a van full of his friends. Being a dad is fun!
My son told me he got me something âpretty expensiveâ for Christmas, and if itâs not a vacation home in Bora Bora Iâm disowning him.
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: âSleeping soothes the seethingâ you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection
I donât use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldnât go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully theyâll murder me.
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so theyâll have something comfortable to fight in.