*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
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“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.